A {Long Overdue} Coffee Date

Let's go for a coffee date shall we? It has been wayyyy too long. We'd meet a cute little coffee shop that's warm enough inside that we don't have to wear jackets (don't you hate that??) I would explain to you that Alex and I are in the middle of doing our first round of Whole30 and how what I miss the most is coffee with creamer. I sadly order a cup of tea and we settle into some big comfy arm chairs. 

It's been a long time since we've seen each other so we sort of chit chat about small things first just to ease into things but then get to the deep stuff. The important stuff. You knew that when I announced to the world that I was going back to graduate school to chase my dream of becoming a family nurse practitioner that things would be different. I knew it too. I used to have four days off from work to blog, meet with friends, and relax. Now those days would be filled with schoolwork. Having finished with my first quarter, I can say that school is going well and I am right where I'm supposed to be. I'm so thankful I chose to go back to school now and sometimes I just can't believe that I'm so close to achieving my dream! 

But besides school, there has been a lot of stuff going on. Big. Important. Life Decisions. You probably wondered what was going on when I posted this and this picture on Instagram. Well, friend we were in the middle of some pretty big decisions. 

I'll go onto explain that Alex had interviewed for several physician assistant (PA) schools in the summer and fall. I'll remind you that this was his second time applying and that we've been waiting for this moment for 2 years. I'll tell you how blessed we feel that he got offered an interview at every single school he applied to... after the rejection he felt when he applied 2 years ago and heard nothing from a single school, this was huge confirmation that Alex is following the will of the Lord in pursuing a career as a PA. 

We found out in August that he was accepted to a school in New Mexico. I cried. You know me, I'm not a big crier and I cried on the spot. Two years and we had made it. My tears were tears of joy. We found out about a month later that he was on the wait list for two Arizona schools that were our top two overall choices. We spent about 6 weeks waiting, with Alex calling every few weeks to see if his status had changed. 

And then. He was offered an interview at University of Colorado- the university 20 minutes from our current apartment and literally a short walk from the hospital where I work. He just so happened to have the day off of work for when the interview was scheduled. If he hadn't had the day off, I'm not sure he would have even interviewed. At this point, it was his fifth PA school interview and he felt pretty comfortable going into it. After it ended Alex told me that he thought it went alright and that they would let him know about admission in a few weeks. 

The very next day I was sitting on the couch doing homework when he walked in from work and said, "Guess what?" I asked if he had heard from one of the Arizona schools. He said "No, CU just called me and offered me a spot in their program." We both just sat stunned. A school neither of us thought he would even get into (they accept 40 students out of 1600 applications) had just called and offered him a seat less than 24 hours after he interviewed. We had a week to decide if he was going to accept the spot and pay a substantial deposit. 

Now you're way better than me at picking up on certain signals (that's a downside of being loud like me), and you'll notice that I tell this story with a little bit of a strained tone. That's because this was all a shock to both Alex and I's system. It was such a mix of emotions- I was so stinking proud and excited that he got into such a competitive school. But we were shocked and since we're being vulnerable, I'll admit to you that I also felt a little disappointed (don't ever think I'm the perfect wife). 

Before you think I'm crazy, let me explain. You see, we had sort of written off CU in our minds. We thought for sure we would be moving- and we were really excited about it! All we had talked about and dreamed about for the past two years, was applying for PA school and starting an adventure in a different state. The thought of staying here barely crossed our minds. I've never lived anywhere besides Colorado, so I was extra excited at the thought of moving somewhere new. In my head, I had moved on from my job, our church, our apartment, and our entire life in Colorado (probably a bad move on my part). 

So, all of a sudden we were faced with a big decision that looked nothing like the one we thought we were going to make. The CU program is 3 years long (most are only 2), so we sat down and crunched numbers to see the expense difference. We made pros and cons lists (the cons list was a lot longer), but most importantly we prayed about it. We talked about with our families, talked about it with each other, and prayed for a week about the decision. 

After a week, we had decided and my stomach sunk. You know what it's like when you know that something is the right decision but you don't really like that choice so you refuse to accept it for a little while? This is how this decision went for me. I knew that CU was the right choice way before I truly accepted it. We had prayed for months (since he began applying back in March) that the Lord would make our decision clear. And He did. 

We still hadn't heard from the two schools in Arizona that wait listed him, and his only other official offer was in New Mexico. Practically speaking, the New Mexico school was $30,000 more expensive and ranked 80th or so in the country. CU was $30,000 cheaper and ranks 5th in the nation. From those numbers alone, the choice should be obvious right? The finances played a huge part in our decision because we seek to honor God with our money, but after prayer and seeking wise counsel we knew CU was where Alex was supposed to be in PA school. 

At this point, you're probably not sure what to say. Do you say congratulations because you know how long of a journey its been, or do you stay quiet because you see the disappointment on my face? 

But then I jump in and tell you what I'm learning from all of this. First of all, I think that moving to another state was just my way of fixing my discontentment that I felt/feel at my job and in our current apartment. I pray for contentment on a daily basis, but boy it's sure harder when God doesn't listen to my idea of how I would be content! 

Second, I think there's so much to be learned in trusting in a plan that is completely opposite of what you had planned. It's so hard, even when it's a good plan! 

Third, it's been a tough lesson in surrender. How many times am I in church and sing "I surrender all"? This situation has forced that surrender. I had already chosen my new city, my new job, and practically my new apartment. But then God reeled me back in and reminded me that I need to surrender to His plan, which for now means staying in Denver. 

It's hard. You can see that written all over my face. We decided on CU in early November, it's January and it's still a daily struggle. I find myself wishing for a house and anxious about how we're going to afford the next few years all in the same minute. I've agonized over changing jobs or staying where I'm at. The walls of our 600 square foot apartment seem to close in some days, and I find my heart screaming for anything that has more than one window in the whole place. 

But. I'm getting there. God's working on me, on us. We've been plugging into a new church that we're excited about, and we realize that there are so many good things about staying in Denver. We don't have to move, I don't have to stress about making new friends while I'm in school, I'm hoping finding clinical placements for myself will go a little smoother because I know some people, and we've been able to really deepen the friendships that have been forming over the last couple of years in Denver. And before I forget, I just have to tell you how darn proud I am of my husband. He went to radiology school for two years just to increase his odds of getting into PA school. He worked hard in school for two years following college, he's working hard now to save up money for tuition, and through it all he serves God and serves me every.single.day. I am so proud of him, and so thankful that I get to be his wife. 

Acceptance into CU has been a sweet, enormous blessing from the Lord and we are so grateful. You know I mean that and you also know that sometimes it just takes my heart a little while to catch up to my head. 

When I look at the people I admire the most, I know that they were forced into circumstances that were the last thing they would have ever chosen for themselves. Beauty comes through struggle, and for me that is finding peace in a restless heart. It sounds cliche, but I know these lessons are what will make me into one of the people I admire. The lessons are hard and they require perseverance, a continual battle of the mind, and a constant search for grace and gratitude. 

We're so excited about the adventure of graduate school together and we've both vowed to not just let these next three years pass us by in a fog of textbooks, exams, and clinicals. We want to be intentional with our time, and make the most of our being here for the next three years. 

Whew, that was a lot. I'll thank you for patiently listening and I'll apologize for talking so much. You'll laugh and say it's okay because you know that I'm just like that. 

You'll jump in and start telling me about your significant other, your kids, and your job. You know that I'll spend as long as I need to listening to you, and I do.We'll laugh and wonder how all of a sudden we're grown-ups and how high school felt like yesterday. You'll probably offer some encouragement in my time of finding contentment, and your words will go with me way past our coffee hour. Hours later, our coffee is long gone, we look at the clock realizing that we should probably get home. We hug and promise to do it again soon. 

Project 12: February

Project 12 is a monthly recap post/project that my friend Amanda over at the Lady Okie Blog created. It is SUCH a fun way to recap your month, and helps me feel like I did something besides look at the calendar on the first of the month and last day of the month and wonder where 30 days just went. 

Part of the project is taking a photo of yourself/you+spouse on the first day of the month. Not only did we not take a picture on the first day of the month, we took no picture at all. Fail. Every time I thought about it, Alex was gone and then I never remembered while he was home. So I decided to make that picture collage and make you think that it was totally a selfie (almost fooled ya, didn't I?) Ironically we're both holding Chik-Fil-A items in our hands. And in case you're wondering, we already took our March picture so no worries there. Without further ado and speaking of Chik-fil-a... 

DATES

1. Chik-fil-a. Repeatedly. They had free coffee this month so we literally could not stay away. I was there almost daily during the month of February.

2. Tennis date for the win. Colorado is really weird you guys. I was in shorts then and now, two weeks later, I haven't seen the sun in three days.

3. Pueblo, Colorado. Pueblo probably shouldn't be on your list of top places to visit in Colorado, but it can be a fun place... if your brother happens to be playing lacrosse there on a Sunday. We couldn't have asked for a nicer day to watch lacrosse, and we got to meet one of his good friends from college as well as his girlfriend. We topped it off with lunch at Olive Garden. Good people, good weather, good food = triple win.

4. Two double dates with our friends from North Carolina. We met some awesome friends on our cruise (just one of the many reasons you should hop aboard a cruise ship!), who were out in Colorado on business. {They actually both work for Chikfila- we can't stay away you guys.} First we went to lunch at this place called Jack N Grill. I had a green chile sopaipilla burger the size of my face and was transported to heaven. Right before they left, we met them at a fun diner for delicious pancakes and omelettes. 

5. We got locked in a room with the challenge to get out in an hour. We did it. Again. I wouldn't want to be locked in a room with any other four people. They're smart cookies. 

DISCOVERIES

1. The best fries I've ever had. They were Belgian fries covered in truffle oil served at this new beer and brats place in Denver called Wurstkuche (I totally had to google that to remember the name). They were crispy on the outside, soft on the inside, and literally the best fries I've ever eaten in my entire life. For all you fellow fry lovers out there- come to Denver and I'll take you on a trip to fry heaven. 

2. I sadly discovered the city of Denver is extremely stingy with letting the public use school tracks. I spent one afternoon driving around all of Denver to find a track that was open to the public so that I could do my speedwork run. All were locked and I didn't feel like getting arrested. There was one middle school track that was unlocked, but to get through it I would have had to walk right through the middle of their playground and the current group of kids out on recess. Something tells me their teachers wouldn't have been down with that. So now I'm stuck doing speedwork on my regular road route. Watch out semi, I've gotta beat my time for this 400 sprint. 

3. You can get especially close to new friends by agreeing that PG-13 answers are okay when you play The Game of Things (a game like Apples to Apples except you get to make up your own answers). Imagine PG-13 answers to the prompt "things that are wild". You get my drift. New friends- you know who you are. 

BOOKS & MOVIES

1. Alex and I are both working on the books from January's list. Kind of lame I know, but I'm on the wait list for a couple of new books at the library- that counts right? 

2. The Giver. My bro in law and I watched it while the hubby mostly snoozed through it. I'm not a huge movie person, but I LOVED this movie. I thought it was really interesting and got me thinking about a lot of things. I highly recommend it, and although I haven't read the book, I've heard it's good too. 

NOTABLE EVENTS

1. Valentine's Day. I actually worked Valentine's Day and then we didn't really land up celebrating later. If I'm being honest- it was kind of lame. However, my mother in law gave me a cool light up heart necklace to wear to work- it was a hit with all the kids! 

I left this poster for Alex before I headed to work that morning. 

And I came home to a candlelit dinner. Now that I think about it, Valentine's Day wasn't that lame. 

2. This girl is my sister from another mister. We had lunch together and had a dream changing and dream inspiring talk. More details to come... eventually. Just know that it was important. 

3. We made some really big strides in our marriage, and I saw some incredibly tangible answers to prayers. More details on this eventually, but just know that God is faithful in the littlest of things! 

4. I got a killer pair of new running shoes. Holla holla chicken dolla! 

5. Lent began with a beautiful entrance. Ash Wednesday brought me to tears, and I am learning so much as I work my way through the Lenten devotional by Naptime Diaries.

BY THE NUMBERS

Miles Run: 63. The snow is threatening my good streak.

New recipes tried: 5 (Our favorite was this stellar creamy spinach and tomato pasta!)

(Looks pretty killer right? Go try it. Tonight.)

15 hour shifts worked: 1. And it was terrible. 

Money spent above our entertainment budget: way too much (Darn Chikfila).

# of kids in Colorado that have respiratory viruses: every single child in Colorado. For the love of God, everyone just needs to stay home for two weeks. 

How was your February? What was your favorite part? If you're in Denver- do you know of any public tracks??

I'm a Girl... and I Don't Like Shopping

There's something you should understand about me. I hate really don't like shopping. It doesn't matter what kind of shopping- I dislike it all. Grocery shopping is my most dreaded chore, clothes shopping makes me anxious just thinking about it, and any other shopping is only tolerable if there's a friend along for the ride. Or if there's shoes involved. 

I'm not sure if my disdain of shopping came from growing up around all boys and a mother who also hates shopping, growing up in a small town that boasted nothing more than a Wal-Mart and JCPenny for my shopping needs, or if I was just one of those people born to hate shopping. 

I don't like shopping because I don't like spending money

If you haven't caught on from my budget series yet, I love love love saving money. I'm a natural saver and I spend my days (literally) learning how to be a better steward of my money (AKA saving money and having a great budget). 

My natural saver instinct kicks in when I look at a bottle of lotion at Bath & Body Works only to find it's $12.50, or see a single shirt that costs $30. 

For this reason, I like thrift store shopping more than any other kind of shopping and am proud of the deals that I find there. In general, though, I find that it's easier on my saver soul if I just stay home... or only go shopping if I have gift cards. 

I don't like shopping because it creates major discontentment

This is perhaps the main reason I dislike shopping. I can get over the spending money part (and often do if something is a great deal), but when I'm out shopping, I often find myself discontent with what I already have. 

When I'm out shopping for clothes I often find myself wishing that I had a greater budget that would allow me to buy all the cute clothes I see. I'll try on clothes and immediately become discontent with the way I look- the way my huge granny hips spread out, or the way that I'll probably never have a flat stomach. I may have been feeling awesome after a recent run, but stepping into that dressing room almost immediately zaps me of any self confidence I once had. 

If I wander through Best Buy, Costco, or even Wal-Mart, I find myself wishing I had a new phone case or hoping for some bass-thumpin new headphones. Hobby Lobby creates in me a desire for a giant dispensable income to spend on home DIY projects. No matter where I go, shopping usually brings out the green monster in me, and it's something I don't like to see, so I try to avoid situations where it's most likely to rear its ugly head (i.e. shopping). Since I'm working on being content, I'll probably continue to stay out of the stores. 

I don't like shopping because it zaps my energy 

I don't know about you, but I am not one of those people that comes back from a huge shopping spree re-energized and ready to take on the world. I'm one of those people that comes home, collapses on the couch (usually without any purchases- see point #1), and feels totally worn out. 

Around Christmas time I come home, collapse on the couch, and thank the Lord that I didn't die driving from store to store (don't tell me Colorado is the only place with insane drivers around the holidays!). 

I love getting a good deal or a new item of clothing that I'm excited to wear, but I'm usually so pooped after a single shopping trip that I'll postpone another one for three months. Shopping is a draining activity for me so I really only do it when I have to. 

With all of the above being 100% true, there is one reason I do like shopping, and that's because 

Shopping is time with friends

I have long since realized that my disdain of shopping puts me in the vast minority of girls. When I got to college, it took me years (literally) to understand why on earth all of my friends liked to go shopping. Spending money and walking around for hours had never been on my list of fun things to do for the 18 years prior to arriving at college.

However, towards the end of college I started realizing that some of the best conversations I had with friends was while we were out shopping. Something about flipping through a rack of clothing causes a girl to open up and share her heart. I started enjoying shopping a little bit more because it meant time with friends and a time to connect. I still value shopping for this reason and I have learned to embrace all the extra walking as a little bit of exercise.

-------------------------

Shopping will likely never become one of my favorite things to do for the above reasons and because it's rarely on the to-do list of my testosterone loaded house (a husband and three brothers). I will say that I enjoy dreaming about different outfits and home items I could create, but the majority of those things may stay dreams.  If you're a friend reading this, I will definitely go shopping with you... maybe just not every time we hang out? 

Anyone else share my disdain for shopping? If you do like it, why do you like it? Do you have ideas on how I could dislike it less?

Why I'll Die Before I'm 40... and other bad habits

I always joke (in a morbid nurse kind of way) that I'm going to die before I'm 40. Not because I have a death wish, but because I have a few habits that I can't seem to kick. Please read on and give me your best suggestions to help extend my life. 

I love hamburgers and fries with an undying passion. 

You guys, I love me a good fry and hamburger. It is honest to goodness my favorite food. Most of the time I'm enjoying salty fries and a greasy burger when I state "This will be what kills me before I'm 40" (because it will clog my arteries etc). (My habit worsened this past summer). Back in high school I decided to to give up fries for a year. Great idea right? I'll cut down on the bad calories, get rid of my craving, and exercise some self control. Wrong. Although I did make it the full year without fries, I binge-ate fries at every opportunity the entire next year. So now when I think about quitting my habit, I just remember the "binge days" and don't even bother trying. My mouth is watering as I type this right now, I have a serious problem. 

I fully believe in the validity of the 10 second rule. 

I'm a nurse. I took tons of science classes, including an entire semester on bacteria. But I'm pretty sure the 10 second rule is legit. I will pick things up off the floor, rinse them (sometimes), and eat/use them again. For those of you that just vowed to never come to my house for dinner, don't worry- I'm extra careful when I'm having guests over; I rinse the food twice. The only exception to this rule is if anything falls on the floor at the hospital. Anything and everything that touches a hospital floor must be thrown away immediately. There is no 10 second rule once you step inside the hospital. Good thing I haven't dropped my phone on the floor yet. 

A prank will backfire... badly. 

Many of you may not know this, but I love pranks, and I love April Fool's Day. My freshman year of college, I became famous because of April 1st. I could watch prank videos on youtube for hours on end (I may have already done that). I have a series of blog posts written for next month talking about my best pranks, my prank fails, prank ideas, and a prank that backfired just recently. Although the recent prank gone wrong didn't kill me, I think someone someday might. I've had a few close calls. 

I love thrill seeking- skydiving, parasailing, and base jumping; the more dangerous the better. 

No, I don't actually love thrill seeking. At all. I get scared going down a hill too fast on a mountain bike. I always wear a seat belt and come to a complete stop at all stop signs. The only thrill I seek is a double-double and animal style fries at In-N-Out.

How about you? Do you have any bad habits you need to kick? Are there any fellow hamburger lovers out there?

Open Letter to my Single Self

Dear single self, 

You're probably hating that Valentine's Day is approaching. All the hearts, pink paper, and abundant flowers only serve to remind you that you're still single. You dream about your happily ever after as you try not to get jealous about yet another Facebook relationship announcement and wedding pin. But as your heart aches, and part of you wonders what's wrong with you, let me tell you a few things that only wisdom and time can teach.

Nothing is wrong with you. You are not ugly or defective. This is a lie that Satan will tell you over and over until you let it sink into your heart. Unfortunately, he will continue to hammer this lie into your mind long after you have met and married The One. Don't let him morph this lie into a truth. It's hard to fight this lie, believe me, I know. Instead of focusing on and trying to figure out what's wrong with you, focus on the fact that God loves you unconditionally. He chose you, He honors you, and you are His favorite. Every time the lie that something is wrong with you comes to mind, choose to think about something else. Satan wants nothing more than you believing that something is wrong with you- don't give him this power over your life. 

You can't force it. I know that the mere idea of two people actually liking each other at the same time seems impossible to you. And you're right- if you try to force things, it is impossible. Closed doors hurt, but they are closed for a reason. They say that it will happen when you least expect it- as cliche as that is, it's true. So do your best and focus on everything else in your life. Pour yourself into school, into church, into relationships with friends. It will happen when it's meant to happen. 

Focus on the lesson. Remember that relationship that didn't work out? The one that you really hoped would? The one that hurt really bad? It broke your heart, made you question more than you should have, and is something that you had a hard time letting go. But more than the pain, remember what it taught you. You found a confidence in yourself that you didn't have before, and you gained a better understanding of what you really wanted in The One. Be thankful that things were left on good terms, and remember that doors are closed for a reason. Every relationship, every almost-relationship, and every relationship ended is a chance to learn and grow. Focus on the lesson and work to move on.

There are far better things to come. It doesn't matter how great that other person was- if it didn't work out, it wasn't supposed to because someone out there is far better for you. It's hard to imagine, I know, and you may not believe it until you see it. But hold onto hope that the best is yet to come- not only with your relationships but in your life in general. Enjoy the moment, but you can (and should) have hope for the future. 

Oh yeah, and this cheese Valentine's Day thing? Remember...

Valentine's Day is a bigger deal now that you're single than it will ever be when you find a significant other. It's fun to have a significant other on Valentine's Day, but ask any couple that's been together longer than two years and I bet they can't even tell you what they have planned for this Valentine's Day. Instead of sitting alone and sulking, get some friends together, some pizza and drinks, and throw on some movies. Enjoy yourself and use it as an excuse to have a night out with friends. Guaranteed, most of the dating/engaged/married couples you know won't be having as much fun as you will. 

Hang in there self, it'll happen. Be patient and focus on the things you can change and affect now. There is always hope for you- never ever forget that. 

Love,

Me

{Joining Kiki for The Circle Link up and Sweet Little Ones Tuesday Talk}

Contentment: A God Working Behind the Scenes

Content: con·tent \kən-ˈtent\  Pleased and satisfied : not needing more. 

Contentment. The state of being pleased and satisfied is something I think a lot of us wrestle with, and for me it's a near daily battle. I had been wanting to blog about contentment for awhile, but I didn't know what to write. Mostly because I haven't found the answer. I haven't found the discontentment cure, or been able to tie up an answer to the problem in a neat little package with a bow. 

Today's culture creates a breeding ground for discontentment. Our instant access to the Internet and its' glossy photos that suggest a perfect life, lead us to wonder what is wrong with our marriage, our friendships or even ourselves? 

Groupon, Amazon, and Etsy are always reminding us that there is a deal to be had, and whatever nice things you do have, don't compare to the new product that just came out. And lets not forget Pinterest and the never-ending feed of beautiful homes, impeccable style sense, and picture perfect dinners. 

If the Internet wasn't bad enough, we will constantly be surrounded by friends and family who will seem like they have it made. There will be the ones with the cute new puppy, the blessed ones having a baby, or the excited ones signing a lease on their first house. 

All of this seeming perfection creeps into our souls, creating a heart of discontentment, envy, and lending itself to a lack of peace. I know all this, because I am in that ugly place all too often. I often think "I want" or "I wish I had" before thinking "I'm thankful for". January was month where discontentment swallowed me up leaving me feeling stuck in my place in the world. 

And then last Thursday at our church's meal group, the passage we read and meditated on brought me my much needed breakthrough. 

"He covers the heavens with clouds, provides rain for the earth, and makes the grass grow in mountain pastures. He gives food to the wild animals and feeds the young ravens when they cry." 

The passage (Psalm 147:1-11) was read three times, and each time, these two verses resonated deeply with me. These two verses paint a beautiful picture of a God who cares and of a God who is sovereign. This verse reminds me that He is a good God, and a God who provides for all of the animals and all of the earth. The passage also reminded me of a quote in one of my favorite movies, Facing the Giants"

"I heard of a story of two farmers praying to God for rain to come. Both prayed but only one prepared the land. Who do you think trusted God more to send the rain?"

The Psalm was a verse that reminded me that God is sovereign and God provides. The movie quote reminded me that God is working, even when I can't see it. We know these things, but how quick we are to forget.

My God is a God who works behind the scenes. He is, right now, forming the clouds and creating the beautiful rain that will come later. When I feel stuck and forgotten He reminds me that He is a God who never forgets. He doesn't forget me now that I am feeling stuck. He doesn't forget His promises to me. He doesn't forget me. Ever.

Though I may feel stuck, I find hope in knowing that He is preparing the blessings that will come at a later time. All the moments of today, and the workings of tomorrow are not in vain. They are my preparation of the field that is to receive rain.

I can find contentment in knowing that where I'm at is exactly where I'm supposed to be. I can find contentment in being thankful for what I do have. I can find contentment in knowing, believing, and meditating on the fact that right now, God is working behind the scenes on my behalf. 

God promises over and over to provide and fulfill us with everything that we need to live this journey. He is providing now, and He will provide then. He is preparing the rain, and my job is to be faithful in preparing a field. 

When discontentment swallows me, I need to focus on my many blessings. When I feel trapped in my spot in life, I need to focus on the good of today. I find contentment in knowing that I serve a loving, merciful God who has promised to give me a hope and a future. I find contentment in picturing a loving Father who is creating, preparing, and blessing my life beyond that of my imagination. I find contentment in never forgetting that He is always working behind the scenes, and my job is to prepare the field for rain. 

How about you? Do you struggle with contentment? What have you found that helps you be content with where you're at? 

**lest you think this is a post with the answer to contentment packaged up with a pretty bow, I wrote the post and an hour later had a huge meltdown that was filled with ugly fat tears dripping of discontentment. Being content is a major work in progress.

Linking up with Sweet Little Ones Tuesday Talk!

Five Goals for Fall: A Recap

Back in October, I wrote a post discussing my five goals for fall. With Christmas less than a week away (how did that even happen?) I decided it was no longer fall anymore and it was time to examine how I did with my goals. 

1. Start working on our wedding scrapbook. 

I bought materials from Hobby Lobby. They now sit in the corner waiting to be used. Does that count? I'm hoping with winter upon us I'll be spending more time inside, thus spending more time on actually working on the scrapbook. 

2. Increase the posting frequency on my blog to 2-3 times a week. 

I actually did pretty good with this one and was consistent with twice a week posting except for maybe one week. For all of you who post every day- I don't know how you do it! I'm working on getting my consistency up and hopefully posting closer to 3-4 times a week in the new year. I did find that by posting more often I actually came up with more post ideas instead of less making it a lot easier! 

3. Get involved in one way at church. 

So basically, didn't happen. Not for lack of trying, however. We did email our church and never heard back from them so we're going to shoot them another email in the New Year and see where we can help out! 

4. Be intentional about making connections and creating community. 

It's funny- once I posted this goal, I had a few friends from work reach out to me to see about hanging out. Throughout the course of the past couple of months I've enjoyed a couple movies with a new friend and a walk with another. The outings and new friendships developed were a huge blessing to me this fall and have made our most recent move a lot easier! 

5. Get ACLS and PALS certified. 

If you don't remember from my original post, these were goals related to work and something I'd wanted to do. I took both classes the week before Thanksgiving and spent a few weeks up to then studying! It was a long week full of exams and testing scenarios, but now I'm officially certified to save you and your child's life so there's that. 

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I must admit, between hanging out with new friends, studying for my certifications, and blogging more frequently, I had a lot less time this fall! But I can't even tell you how good having goals was for me. 

I'm a goals person and always thrived on the structure that came with school- semesters and seasons were my jam and made me tick. Now graduated, it's been easy to let seasons slip away, yet hard to find a purpose for this current life stage. All this to say- creating seasonal goals is a good idea for me... be on the lookout for my goals in the new year! 

Did you set goals for the fall? How did they go? Are you a goals person or would you rather just take life as it comes? 

(Linking up with Andrea and #friendswithgoals)

A Balanced Life: I'm not busy

I wrote last week on how I've spent the past year developing a work-life balance . I know that sometimes work isn't the problem; sometimes life is the problem and it's hard to find balance between spouses, kids, church involvement, volunteer work, and our relationship with God. 

A few weeks ago, DJs on a radio station I listen to were talking about this idea of busyness and one of the DJs mentioned part of this quote by Eugene Peterson: 

"I am busy because I am vain. I want to appear important. Significant. What better way than to be busy? The incredible hours, the crowded schedule, and the heavy demands on my time are proof to myself - and to all who will notice - that I am important... busyness is the enemy of spirituality... It's filling our time with our own actions instead of paying attention to God's actions." 

It's a long quote. Read it twice if you have to. Every word in the first part describes my heart. Every word in the second part strikes me with conviction. 

I was the girl in high school and college who had a planner jam packed with activities, tests, and meetings. Part of it was that I had a lot of assignments to keep track of and I was involved in {probably too many} sports and organizations. But a very large part of the jam packed planner was that I loved love being busy and I seem to thrive during the times where I am constantly going 24/7. I used to love it when people looked at my planner and made a comment like, "Wow, you're so busy; how do you do it all?" I didn't realize it then but I was addicted to busyness . 

Then comes October 2013. I'm graduated from college, moved to a new city, working full-time, and married all within the span of a few months. All of a sudden I'm busy learning how to be a nurse and learning how to be a wife, but my schedule looks empty. 

I remember having coffee with a friend and confiding in her that I felt terrible that I wasn't doing more in church or in volunteer activities. She replied with, "Sarah, it's okay that right now your marriage is your ministry. Your job is your ministry." At first, I wasn't okay with her answer. But the more I let it sit, the more I realized she was right. 

I had become so addicted to doing this for church, being involved with this organization, participating in this fundraiser, that now I felt bad for not doing any of the above. But did I feel bad for the church or the people impacted by the organization? Nope, I felt bad for myself. I felt useless, selfish, and like I should be doing more. My friend's words were profound and caused me to realize that my need for busyness was a pitfall in my own heart. Instead of taking the transition period to really pour into my relationship with God, my new husband, and my new coworkers, I let guilt tell me that I was worthless. I forgot that my worth is in Jesus, and not in the things I do. In that moment, I didn't realize that the job and marriage set before me were the tasks requiring day-to-day faithfulness.   

Now, what I'm not getting at is that you shouldn't be involved in your church or different volunteering avenues. In fact, just the opposite. I think involvement in church and places that focus your eyes on someone else are so important. But involvement in these things must come from the right heart and at the right time. I've learned the hard way that being busy is another way to mask insecurity, and busyness can so quickly draw you away from what the Lord has for you. Below are the three strategies I've implemented over the six months to make sure that I am not being busy just to be busy or feel valued. 

Learn to say no. I'm preaching to myself here because I'm terrible at saying no (this is very connected to the fact that I want to please everyone). However, there have been a couple occasions in the past six months where I was presented with an opportunity that I felt like I should have said yes to, but was able to see that it wasn't good timing and therefore declined the offers. 

When contemplating saying yes or no to an opportunity, pray about the timing of it. The Lord may not be saying "no"; instead he may be saying "not yet". 

Develop a "rule of life". Perhaps the book that has influenced my life the most over the past six months is God in My Everything by Ken Shigematsu. It was our church's read over the summer and an absolute fantastic book that I would recommend to everyone. The author's basic premise examines the life of the Benedictine monks and their so called "rule of life"- a series of practices (daily, weekly,  monthly, or yearly) that provide structure in their spiritual and every day lives. Shigematsu explains how developing certain practices in our life will actually help ground us spiritually and keep us focused on what's important. 

After reading the book, I started thinking about certain rituals that I could and should implement my life to give it a good order. Things like running on my days off, reading Sarah Young's "Jesus Calling", and prioritizing date nights with my husband are "practices" that have really helped me settle into life over the past few months. 

There is so much more that I want to share about this book and this idea that it's hard to sum it up here. Basically, what are some practices that you practice daily, weekly, and monthly that form the framework to your life? These should be rituals that are life giving, reenergizing, and important to you. That way, if you start finding that you no longer have time for these rituals, then maybe that's your clue that you are too busy with other things. 

Pick up a copy of that book and look out for more posts to come on this idea! 

Learn to be okay with not being "busy". How many of us when asked how life is going respond with something, "Oh good, just really busy!" I know I have (and still do). If you ask someone how they're doing and they responded "Oh good, just hanging out" would your initial reaction be a negative one? I think it's a major cultural shift (in Christian and secular worlds alike) to accept that not being busy is okay. Not being busy is not laziness, it's simply prioritizing what's important and paying more attention to God's work than your own. We (I) need to learn to be okay with not being busy. I need to remember that the pressing feeling of guilt that comes with a seemingly wide open schedule is not from God. Instead, I need to focus on God's work instead of creating my own. 

I need to stop finding value in a packed schedule, and take a few steps back to listen to what God is telling me is important at this moment in time. I have a long ways to go in this department but slowly, I'm learning. 

Have you struggled with being busy all the time? 

What are ways you keep a balance in life? 

Developing a Work-Life Balance

As I have transitioned into the work phase of my life, I have had to adjust to a number of things, the main thing being a developing a work-life balance. When one starts into the work force we are often prepared to work the long hours, go the extra mile, and take all the grunt tasks to “get ahead”. In trying to get ahead, I’m afraid many of us struggle with finding a work-life balance. We work hard because we’re trying to prove to ourselves, to our superiors, and to those around us that we can do this. A handful of us work hard because we enjoy our jobs, we feel needed, and we fill fulfilled. I would classify myself in both categories- I love my job, I feel fulfilled in what I do, but I also wanted to prove (to myself more than anyone) that I am a good nurse.

Part of what made developing a work-life balance difficult was there are many times when I feel like what I am doing at work is so much more valuable than time spent with family or time spent with friends. My Dad spent years working at an orphanage in Mexico, and my mom later told me that when he was raising us kids sometimes he felt like he wasn't doing much “good” because he was no longer helping the orphans. His sister reminded him that he is doing the most important job there is in raising his own kids, but I often wonder how many of us feel like my Dad? How many of us feel more useful and needed in our jobs than at home? Maybe we think that by focusing in on our time with family and friends that we are being selfish. I would argue just the opposite. You may feel needed at work but you really are needed at home too. The time you spend investing in those closest to you and the breaks that you should give yourself are what allow you to be effective in your day job.

In this first year and a half of being in the work force I've learned that more important than working hard in my career is learning to balance my work with other responsibilities. I've had to learn that my purpose is greater than my job, and that my purpose can include time spent with family and friends.

Both the family I was born into and the family I married into have been great examples of what it looks like to have a good work-life balance. Both families viewed (and still view) work as something that was necessary, working hard was a good thing, but family and relationships trumped all.

I've also spent some time in the last year and a half examining what this work-life balance looked like for Jesus. If we examine His life a little closer, He spent the first 30 years of his life developing relationships with his family and friends in preparation for his public ministry. During the times of His public ministry we know that he had a close relationship with his mother and we see how much time he spent with his family (the disciples). He spent a large majority of his time pouring into his disciples' lives, ministering to them, and then he took his ministry public.

Time with friends and family can feel selfish or fruitless, but something about this time spent nurturing relationships of those closest to us in turn provides us with strength that we may have not had otherwise. The time we spend outside of work can truly help us do our job better when we are at work. This time outside of work can easily be devalued if we’re constantly checking our work email, thinking about work, and doing tasks that really should only be done at work. There is much to be said for truly “leaving work at work”.

This work-life balance looks different for different people and may even look different depending on the part of the world you live in. For me, the work-life balance includes a few deliberate choices. I have chosen not to have my work email connected to my phone- nothing is going to happen if I get back to someone in a couple of days instead of a couple of minutes. This is something I really struggled with when I started my job- I was new and wanted to be professional and prompt so  I connected my email to my phone. I soon realized that this was causing me to think about work outside of work way more than I should have, and I was stressing about things that I read in my email without even having to set foot in the hospital. Disconnecting my work email was one of the best things I've ever done in achieving a work-life balance.

I also practice a few mental techniques to help me leave work at work. I have a 5 minute walk from the hospital to the car and during this time I imagine myself holding two suitcases, one in each hand. Each suitcase holds the bits and pieces of the day I just worked. As I walk towards my car I imagine myself dropping each suitcase on the ground and leaving all of my day on the grounds of the hospital. If a particular part of my day stays in my head on the drive home, I think about it during my drive and then pretend that I’m locking up that situation in my car as I lock the car doors to go inside my apartment.

In a job that’s filled with human connection and personal exposure into people’s (often sad) life stories, I’m not always good at leaving everything at work. Sometimes I walk through the door and have to unload my day on Alex (bless his heart). The verbal processing is sometimes the only way I can get over my day but  I also try not to make it a habit. Sometimes talking through my day will actually make it a lot worse and it’s easier if I leave things unsaid and keep my house a safe work-free zone.

The main way that I keep a healthy work-life balance is by making the most of my days off. This means taking time to take care of myself and not feel guilty about it. Some days this means that the house isn't cleaned and dinner is frozen pizza. This means taking time to meet with friends and putting in the effort to hang out with someone. This means taking time to connect with family whether it’s dinner together or Facetime. This means taking time to invest in my two most important relationships that I have- getting in the Word with my guy Jesus, and having date nights with my guy Alex.

By disconnecting myself, using imagery techniques, and making the most of my days off, I feel like I’ve developed a healthy work-life balance. Work is work. It is not and should not be the only thing that defines you or the only thing in life that gives you purpose. You were given the people around you for a reason, and the strength you gain outside of your work day by investing in these relationships will make you ten times more effective at your job. Finding a work-life balance is vital in this life journey; it’s a process but it’s a process that will contribute to your health, your peace, and your overall happiness in this life.

Have you ever struggled finding a healthy work-life balance?  What are some ways that you have developed a healthy mix of the two?

**Sometimes out of work obligations are just as stressful (or more stressful) than work obligations- come back next week for a followup post on balancing life demands**

On Moving Mountains

"...I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."- Matthew 17:20

I had this verse written on my left hand as I went in for knee surgery on April 28, 2008, because I was absolutely convinced that my faith was surely as big enough as a mustard seed, therefore when the doctors opened my knee, they wouldn't have to replace my ACL because God would have miraculously healed it. 

Well, imagine my disappointment when 5 hours later in the recovery room I groggily hear my doctor tell me that my ACL was indeed completely torn and they had to replace it. Now, a mustard seed is tiny- smaller than a sesame seed, bigger than a poppy seed. I surely thought I had at least that much faith and that my "mountain" would move. 

I was convinced that my mountain was my injury, and if I prayed hard enough to move my mountain, that was the same thing as getting my injury healed. Since my surgery, I've prayed for God to move this mountain or this mountain... sometimes I think my prayers work (the mountain gets moved according to Sarah) but a lot of the times I found myself frustrated- God I have faith! Why isn't this mountain moving!? ("The way I want it to" is often tacked on the end of that prayer). 

One night shortly after surgery I was praying and felt the Lord explaining to me that maybe the mountain is something different. I (we?) tend to look at the mountain as the broken heart, the injury, the loss, the trials... and maybe we think that moving the mountain is fixing the broken heart, healing the injury, bringing back the loss, or taking away the trials. 

But what if the mountain is actually something (aside from our problem) that is hindering us from keeping our eyes on Jesus? Instead of seeing the mountain as our problem, maybe the mountain is what's keeping us from focusing on the One who will help us through our problem? 

I firmly believe that Jesus moves mountains every day—people are healed against all odds, marriages find restoration, and God provides daily. I do believe that this verse can be taken in its simplest form—that faith will move mountains and we will see miracles happen.

But I also know the anger and frustration that can come from having faith and not seeing the mountain moved in the way I thought it should (as was the case with my torn ACL). I believe that Scripture applies to every situation, and I think that sometimes moving our mountain means that our problem is not solved the way we would like to see it solved.  In these situations, maybe moving our mountain means moving the obstacle that is keeping our focus from Jesus and understanding that God is indeed moving mountains that we simply cannot yet see. By moving the mountain hindering our view of Jesus, we will find a restorative peace because we are once again focused on the One who has the power to heal. By refocusing on Jesus, we are reminded that he is always moving mountains on our behalf, even if we cannot yet see them moving.

What mountain is hindering your view of the One who heals and restores? Maybe this mountain looks like anger, frustration, or hopelessness. Whatever mountain is preventing you from focusing on Jesus, surrender that mountain to the Lord. Focus on Him and find peace in knowing that He is moving many mountains on your behalf. Continue on faithfully trusting and believing in a God who has power to restore, heal, and redeem. Gaze upon His face; don’t let any mountains get in the way; let Him hold your hand and walk with you in the journey, strengthening your faith so that, indeed, you will have faith as small as a mustard seed.

What mountains are you facing? What mountains have you faced? What mountains has God moved for you?

Dear Nursing Student

You're probably reading this on one of your breaks from what seems like endless studying. Either that, or you're like me and you're procrastinating all that you have to do. 

No matter whether you're in your first year of nursing school or fifth, you probably have this burning question that lingers deep down... 

Will I be a good nurse? 

This question probably rears its ugly head in the meanest of ways after you make a mistake in clinical or fail an exam. I'm here to tell you that yes, you will be a good nurse and it all gets better. 

If you're anything like me, most days in nursing school you wondered why anyone didn't warn you that nursing school would be so dang hard! Why didn't anyone tell you that while most of your friends focused on one paper, exam, or presentation at a time-you would be focusing on all three at the same time? Why didn't anyone tell you that your textbooks weighed more than a small child, and that you were actually expected to read through it?   Why didn't anyone warn you that you'd be doing twenty page care plans... every week? 

And for the love of everything that is good and right in this world... why didn't anyone warn you about the fact that you would be waking up when it was still dark outside while the rest of your friends considered an 8 o'clock class "early"?

(this is me after one of my first clinicals...ever)

These thoughts ran through my head on a weekly daily basis in nursing school, and there was more than one time that I felt like quitting. 

You may have felt like quitting last night as you stumbled into bed after having worked on your care plan for the previous 8 hours straight. You may have felt like quitting this morning when you got to clinical and were told to redo part of your care plan because you missed some important points.

I'm here to tell you don't quit because it.gets.better. Nursing school is a grueling 4-5 years. You are learning so much, and believe it or not the skills you are developing in clinical will help you in your career. You'll still have a lot to learn when you start your first job, but the foundation that you're forming now is essential to the knowledge you'll learn later on. 

When you graduate nursing school and land that first job you will be so nervous. The lectures you heard in nursing school of nurses losing their license will run through your head. Ignore those thoughts. Don't let that fear cripple you. 

In that first job, take advantage of every opportunity. Learn from your preceptor and watch and listen to nurses around you. Some of the most important lessons I've learned have come from observing the nurses around me. Focus on being a safe nurse, that cares for his/her patients. This means looking up your medications and asking if something doesn't make sense. This means asking for help if you're not comfortable with a procedure {even if you're worried you'll look dumb}. This means questioning orders that don't seem to make sense, and going with your gut feeling. 

Each day you will get better. 

As stressful as your first year can/may be, you will finally feel like a "real" nurse. You'll feel that you are getting somewhere and finally achieving your dream of being a nurse. You will start to realize that you know more than you think you know, but you will constantly be aware of how much you don't know. 

You will make mistakes and doubt yourself. Perhaps the most important lesson I learned the first year is... 

Be nice to yourself. 

You're a human and you make mistakes. All the nurses around you that are great nurses, made many of the same mistakes that you did. Learn from those mistakes and move on.   

You will no longer have to do care plans and when you get home from the hospital you are finished. You won't need to study for another exam or write a paper. You can go home, make dinner, and watch TV free of guilt. You may even find yourself wondering what to do on your days off. For these reasons alone, the real world is so much better than nursing school. 

Depending on your job, you may land up working more weekends, holidays, and nights that you ever bargained for... but at least now you're getting paid instead of waving goodbye to every penny of your existence every time the university tuition bill lands in your mailbox. 

Nursing student, what you are doing at this very moment is no piece of cake. It's hard, it's long, and sometimes you'll wonder if it's worth it. 

It's worth it. 

Don't quit. 

Your job as a nurse will give you career stability, endless opportunities for advancement, and one day you will find the area that makes you tick, and makes you excited to go to work every.single.day.

Your job will leave you feeling fulfilled, and this sense of purpose is something that most people spend their entire lives searching for. You may not find the job you love, or the one that leaves you feeling fulfilled right away. Keep searching. Its out there. 

What I heard so many times before I graduated nursing school is true... I hated nursing school, but I love my job. It's possible, friend, it's possible.

(My first day at my first job)

Take it one day at a time until you cross that stage to receive your diploma. Breathe. Enjoy life outside of nursing school. Never forget why you chose nursing in the first place, and focus on the good around you.

You will be a good nurse. You will make a difference, just like you've always wanted. You are the future of healthcare, and you are going to change the world.  And just remember...

It all gets better.

 Yours Truly,

A nurse that loves her job and is glad she didn't quit nursing school