Chasing a Dream - The Announcement

I still remember where I was when I decided I was going to become a family nurse practitioner. I was 15 years old and sitting in my high school counselor's office looking through a book called "100 Career Ideas". Seems like a totally ridiculous way to find your life's calling right? 

Well, it was that book that introduced me to the career of a nurse practitioner but it was the long line of nurses in my family that first inspired me to pursue nursing in the first place. My Grandma was a nurse for over 40 years and as a teenager I was partially responsible for taking her to her doctors' appointments. Almost every place we went, I heard "Oh that's Blanche?? {My grandma's name} She was a GREAT nurse." These were people that she had worked with decades before that still remembered her. I don't know about you, but that is the kind of legacy I can only hope to leave. 

That book in the counseling office that day introduced me to a whole other side of nursing that I had no idea even existed. As I read more and more about the opportunities that nurse practitioners have, I decided that that's what I wanted to do. 

That dream started 9 years ago and it's a dream that has stayed in my heart ever since. At the beginning of this year, I had a conversation with one of my best friends that would change my life. You see, the timing of me going to graduate school didn't seem to be right; Alex was still finishing up his radiology technologist degree and looking at applying to graduate school himself in the near future. 

10 months, several conversations, a lot of research, and many prayers later, I am thrilled to announce that today is my first day of graduate school. The decision was not made lightly and it's a journey that will take me somewhere between two and three years to complete. Not all of the pieces make sense (yet), but I/we are going into this journey excited and ready to take it on. There have been several specific events over the past few months that have confirmed our decision to have me head back to school, and that in itself is super comforting. 

I hope to write a couple of posts in the near future that talk in more detail about how Alex and I approached making this decision as it was one of the more difficult we've had to make as a couple. I'm not sure what the future of this blog will look like with graduate school added on top of work but for now my goal is to keep it around, with the goal of posting once a week. I hope you have a great Monday and I'm off to start on homework!

{Linking up with Ember Grey and Grateful Heart Monday}

Project 12: July

Project 12 is a monthly recap of our lives where I talk about dates, notable events, and other fun things. Summer is just flying by and am I the only one that can't believe it's August already?? 

DATES/TRAVEL

1. Arizona! Going to a resort in Phoenix, Arizona has become a yearly tradition with my husband's family. We went the first week of July and it did not disappoint. It was a week full of reading, relaxing by the pool, naps, and water volleyball. We also gave In-N-Out business err'day. If you have never taken a relax and do nothing vacation, I highly recommend it. It was a much needed break from real life and responsibilities, and we came back refreshed and ready to take on our busy month! 

{This is 90% of what I did on vacation}

{This is the other 10% of what I did on vacation} 

{I think cacti are beautiful!}

2. Camping! Camping in a certain reservoir of Colorado has become a yearly tradition with my family. We rent a boat, go fishing on the lake, spend time around the campfire, and enjoy each other's company. The extra special part of this camping trip is that we went with my parents and my Mom and Dad took it upon themselves to bring all the food and cook most of the time. Can I just say how glorious that was? You don't truly understand the work that goes into camping until your parents aren't doing it for you. 

{I just love this picture of my hubby!}

{It doesn't get more perfect than this}

3. Girl camping. A fellow nurse friend and I both had a random Monday off and decided to go camping. It was the first time that I've done a quick camping trip with a friend like that. When we got to our camp site, we had a blast opening her new fancy tent and exploring all the features it came with, including the collapsible rain flaps. We opened said rain flaps and forgot about them for the next few hours. Over the next few hours we finished setting up camp and cooking dinner over the fire. It was pouring rain almost the entire time and when we finally finished our dinner, we were chilled to the bone and looking forward to our dry tent and clothes. Except... we had forgotten to close the rain flaps and we climbed in the tent only to find two lakes of water on either side. The water had wet part of our bedding and clothes, but there was enough dry stuff that we decided to stick it out the night. We both later admitted that had things been any more wet we would have suggested packing up and heading home. Despite the rain fiasco, we had a great time and would do it again. Moral of the story- DON'T leave your rain flaps open. 

{#selfiewin. Our tripod was the chair}

{It rained and rained. And rained.}

4. Girl time. I was able to bring dinner to my sweet friend who just had the most precious baby. I got to hold her sweet little girl for three hours and loved every minute of it. I will always and forever accept invitations to come snuggle little ones. I was also able to catch up with my old college roommate; we hiked, ate lunch, and shopped a little bit. If you're wondering how good of a shopper I am, just head on over here to find out.

{My former college roommate}

5. Spaghetti Factory. This is probably one of our favorite places to go to dinner, and I've mentioned it before. However, this month was different because I  found out that they are no longer serving my favorite dish. I'm not sure if this is happened to you but it's quite devastating news. It also happened to fall on a day that had been filled with a lot of stress and tears, so it was bad timing. We might be going there less now. How do I get my favorite menu item added back on? Anyone? 

{Downtown Denver during our date}

NOTABLE EVENTS 

1. Alex's first interview for Physician Assistant school. I can't even tell you guys HOW notable this event was. He has dreamed of becoming a PA for over 5 years now, and has worked tirelessly pursuing this dream. Interviewing for acceptance into schools is a step  he has never reached before, and we are praying that it yields fruit. He has 3 more interviews in the next month (that we know of)... if you think of us would you pray? Pray for his actual interviews, and wisdom for us as a couple to be able to make the decisions we need to make. 

{The morning he left. His shirt is for a team in Albuquerque, NM which is where his interview was}

2. I planned my very first bridal shower and bachelorette party. I have never done this; I've only watched my mom plan about a dozen baby showers and helped plan a couple bridal events but I've never been the one in charge. All I can say, is MAJOR PROPS to all y'all who are good at it and enjoy it (Mom, I'm talking to you). While I was honored to be in the spot where I plan everything, it was also a lot of hard work and something that I'm not really made for. That being said, I'm pretty proud of how everything turned out, and knowing my friend enjoyed her weekend made it all worth it (look for a post recapping the events in the next couple weeks). 

{The beautiful bride}

3. The fulfillment of a dream I've had since I'm 15 years old happened this month. I can't tell you what it is yet, but I'll hopefully be making the official announcement in the month of September. I'll be announcing it on Facebook and Instagram first, so follow me there if you're not already. Sorry to leave you hanging, but I promise it's exciting news and will be worth the wait. 

DISCOVERIES

1. The ability to make a decision is vital. And I'm not talking about whether you want pizza or pasta for dinner. I'm talking decisions that affect other people and life changing decisions. I'm currently reading "The Best Yes" by Lisa TerKeust (more on this book next month), and it is so good because it addresses how as women we are often unable to be decisive. She explains how this impacts our lives, our walks with the Lord, and more importantly examines how to be in a position to make good and godly decisions. As I planned the bridal shower and bachelorette parties, I was forced to be the decisive one. This put me considerably out of my comfort zone, but also reinforced the lessons I'm learning in my book. I was also forced to make a life changing decision during the middle of the month in a relatively short amount of time. Had I not been reading this book, spending time in the Word, and seeking godly counsel, this decision would have been a lot harder to make. 

{Time with Jesus at the airport}

BOOKS & MOVIES 

-MOVIES-

Max. This Disney movie is about a soldier's dog who is taken out of active duty and has a hard time adjusting to a regular life. It was one of those lovely feel good movies (thanks Disney), that had a sweet story line. At the end of the movie they explained all the roles that dogs have played in our military throughout the years- it was really interesting to learn about all of it. If you're looking for a solid family friendly movie to watch with your kids or spouse, this is the one. 

-BOOKS-

Rescuing Ruby by Linny Lee Saunders. This was by far my favorite book in a long time- I read it in less than 24 hours! The author is the wife of the pastor that pastored at a church I went to in high school, and the story details the miraculous rescue of their youngest daughter, Ruby. When Linny's husband, Dwight, and daughter, Emma, discovered Ruby on a missions trip to Uganda, she was 13 months old and weighed only six pounds. Six pounds you guys. Many newborns are six pounds or even more. Everything that is known about medicine to this day said that this little girl should not have survived, yet today she is a thriving toddler that is hardly recognizable from her first picture (the cover on the book). This story tells of the power of God and will inspire your own journey to a deeper faith and a stronger prayer life. I could hardly recommend a book more- order your own copy on Amazon. 

{This is one of the few books that I've actually purchased. I'm more of a library gal.}

The Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet by Jaime Ford. This is a historical fiction novel recommended to me by a friend at work. Historical fiction is usually not my thing but the captivating story about a Chinese boy and his love for a Japanese girl (something that was strictly looked down upon at the time) kept me interested. I learned a lot about the tensions that were around in the time of World War II, and there was just enough romance and suspense to keep the book moving along at a good pace. If you're one for historical fiction or just a good romance, this one is for you. 

The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down by Anne Fadiman. This book was recommended to me by a coworker and is the true story of a young Hmong girl, her experience with American doctors, and the clash of two cultures. The young girl, Lia, was diagnosed with epilepsy at a very young age and was subsequently in and out of the hospital most of her life. In the Lia's Hmong culture, seizures were viewed as a holy experience in which she encountered gods and other spirits; essentially, her seizures were a privilege. Lia's doctors prescribed medications to stop her seizures, but her parents wouldn't give the medication as directed because seizures were seen as a good thing. This book details the drastic collision of cultures, and gave me a completely new perspective on providing culturally competent care. If you're in the medical profession, I can't recommend this book enough because it shows you how going the extra mile to understand a patient's culture will make a difference. In Lia's case, it was the difference between life and death.  

Brain on Fire by Susannah Cahalan. This is a true story about the author, Susannah, and the month where she went mad. She went from a successful woman in her twenties to being completely delusional in a short time. The period of delusions lasted for well over a month, and the author remembers none of it. Through interviews with her doctors, family, and looking through her own medical records, Susannah recreates her story of diagnosis and recovery from a rare autoimmune disorder. I loved this book- it was fascinating, and the part I found the most interesting was that I had a patient with the same diagnosis as the author. Susannah's case was not diagnosed quickly and, as a result, spent three years before she was fully recovered. My patient was diagnosed within a week and was out of the hospital (completely normal and recovered) a week later. Even if you're not a medical person, this is a fascinating read. 

SOME FAVORITES

I'm so very thrilled for my blogger friend and her big news. 

The thought and post by a dear blogger friend about how we need to be more interruptible. Meaning that we need to slow down, and look for the opportunities to be Jesus to those around us. I know I'm guilty of always rushing around, and the thought of "being more interruptible" has stuck with me. 

We use credit cards, and I'm actually a big fan of them... IF (and that's a big if), you know how to use them right. My friend Amanda shared some great tips for using credit cards without going into debt.

By far my most popular and shared post ever was published this month. I wrote a letter to the parents of my patients and it was one of those posts that I wrote in just minutes. It's truly from the heart and something that I think about every day and wish all my patients' parents knew. 

How was your July? Is making decisions easy or hard for you? 

This Is Not the End of the Story

Just the other night, I sat on my couch with tears streaming down my face as I talked to a friend about the hard in life. Our conversation that night had taken us to all corners of our friendship- talking about the tragedy in Nepal, about personal struggles, and discussing our faith.

At this point in time, my friend believes differently than I do, and as they asked me really challenging {but good} questions about my faith, I realized how many answers I don't have.

As the friend respectfully dug deep into my belief system, I was struck with the realization that there are things about my faith that I.just.don't.get. But I still believe- I guess that's why they call it faith, right?

While I realized that there were so many things I didn't have an answer to, I also remembered why I'm okay with not knowing those answers.

I shared with my friend, that over the past several years, I have developed a passionate sense of hope. I have hope that this is not the end of the story. This world, friends, is not the whole story. This hope is how I am able to accept missing answers. This hope means more to me than a perfect theological understanding of my beliefs ever will.

Do you have this hope? Hebrews 13:5 is one of my favorite verses in the entire Bible, it says:

"For this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come" (NLT)

It is so easy to let this world draw our eyes off the hope that is ours every day. If you watch the news, you know the awful stories that happen on a daily basis. But even if you're like me and choose to avoid the news (for the most part), our hearts can still be easily drug down by the weight of this world.

Tonight, my heart is heavy for friends that are going through inexplicable tragedy. My heart aches for a loved one who is struggling, yet I know I can't do anything for them. My heart is ripped out of my chest most days that I'm at work when yet another child abuse case or terminal brain tumor walks through the doors of my wing. My heart aches for Charleston, and the survivors that are simply trying to make it through tomorrow.

But amidst the heaviness of my heart, there is also a deep longing; a deep hope. 

I know that this is not the end of the story. I know that one day there will be no more sickness, tragedy, and tears. I know that there is hope in a Savior who came to redeem all parts that are broken whether it's a broken marriage, broken relationship, or broken body.

As someone who hasn't faced that much tragedy in their life, I know that it is easy for me to speak of this hope. I often wonder how quickly this sense of hope might disappear were I faced with a sudden tragedy. I'm honest with myself about it, and pray every day for my faith to be increased so that when that day does come, I will not falter.

In the meantime, I urge you friends to find your hope. Find the hope that is buried under a heavy heart. Believe in hope even if you can't feel it. Jesus isn't finished with your story or the stories of those around us. He is glorified through all things, and we can have hope that one day we will understand.

I am okay not knowing all the answers, because what I do know is what matters most to me. If you are struggling with your beliefs right now, I encourage you to question question and question some more. Search for those answers, but be aware that you may not find all of them. If you're like me, you won't need all the answers before you can have faith. You will come to deeply know and understand a quality of God or an aspect of the faith, and suddenly all the questions won't seem to matte as much anymore.

I have faith and thus I have hope. And because I have hope, I have everything.

Is there one part of your faith that you hold onto when the world is spinning out of control? Or is there a part of your faith you really struggle with? I would love to hear both. 

{Sharing this with everyone over at Tuesday Talk}

Trusting God in the Gray Area

Many of you may have read my blog post a couple of weeks ago when I shared that my brother was trekking in Nepal and was not heard from for a few days following the devastating April earthquake. My brother is safely on American soil and we celebrated with him last weekend as he graduated from college. 

Though it was only a couple of days that my brother was in Nepal, it felt like a lot longer, In the midst of it, I must say I surprised myself with the fear that I didn't have. Fear has always been my biggest struggle, but over the past few years, I have really been working on overcoming it. In this instance, I was surprised to see how much my faith had grown in this area. 

I understood that, though I didn't know where my brother was, God had him in the palm of His hand. It (finally) made sense in my mind that panicking would do no one any good, and that worrying and anxiety would not bring my brother back sooner or safer. The situation was very black and white- meaning I knew there was nothing I could do and the best thing I could do was trust God. 

I would say that my faith seemed to come easier in this situation. And by easy, I really mean less hard (see this Instagram post). But the purpose of this post is not to show off my incredible faith (you guys know me better than that). You see, about a week later, I found myself crying in my bedroom with utter lack of faith in God regarding a different situation. 

This situation was a lot less black and white. This situation was in the gray area- meaning, there weren't necessarily two outcomes (i.e. my brother is safe or he was not). This situation required the action of another person- I was praying for this person and the choices that they would make and I felt myself frustrated with God. Why was He giving this person free will? Why did my endless prayers not seem to be getting answered? 

How much of life is trusting God in the gray areas? There are so many instances when our faith is not regarding a black and white choice. It may be the salvation of a loved one when it requires an action on their part. It may be trusting in God that He will work to restore your marriage when you know that you can't control the actions of your spouse. It is trusting Him to heal a friendship or a relationship when you realize that you have done your part and it is between God and the other person. 

And so many other different situations- new jobs, pregnancies, adoptions, and moves where the outcome can be vague. Where you don't really know what will happen, and can't (and won't) fully know what to even expect. 

I would argue that most of life is a gray area and this the area in which it's harder to trust God. In the moment where I sat in my bedroom weeping about my "gray area" situation, I was reminded by the Holy Spirit about the faith I had with my brother and the Nepal. 

"Sarah, your brother is safe and you knew then that the situation was 100% in my hands. This situation is no different- yes there is another person and a certain decision that is involved; it's a decision you can't make and a person you can't control, yet the situation is still completely in my hands."  

My faith was so strong in the black and white situation, yet it easily faltered in the gray area. Trusting God in the gray areas of life is where faith gets messy. It is where belief gets hard and we are tested. Yet it is also where our faith grows, and we are challenged to completely and fully give our situation over to the Lord.  

What gray area are you facing today? It may involve another person, a very unknown outcome, or certain factors that you haven't even thought about. I pray that today you are encouraged- God has every part of the situation in the palm of his hand. He intimately knows the other people involved, the circumstances you aren't aware of, and the decisions that you can't make. His power is over it all, and our job is to release our need for control and let him take over. 

Missing in Nepal: Choosing Faith Over Fear

{My brother (pictured on the right), husband, and I climbing a 14er this past fall}

If there's one word that describes my younger 21-year old brother it's, adventurous. When we were kids, he wouldn't dare ride the roller coaster at Elitches, but if it involved mountains, he was out the door quicker than you could put your shoes on. He's the rock climber, the one who climbed a 14er (a mountain over 14,000 feet) in the dark, and is happiest with a camera in his hand and hiking boots on his feet. He's got a God-given gift for photography (see some of his beautiful pictures here  ), a sarcastic sense of humor, and a really severe case of wanderlust. 

It was really no surprise when he told us that he would be taking off for a year long adventure to Thailand and other undetermined destinations. He left December 22, 2014 and has been keeping in contact with us via social media and the occasional text. His travels have taken him from Thailand, to Malaysia, to a million other places I can't remember, and most recently, Nepal. 

My brother has been in Nepal for a couple of weeks, but we have not heard from him since the massive earthquake struck Nepal Saturday night.  Thursday night was the last time anyone spoke to my brother. He said that he and his Canadian travel companion, Casey, were in Pokhara, Nepal and headed out on the Annapurna circuit (a famous Nepali trek) on Friday morning. 

When we heard the news of the earthquake early Saturday morning, we knew nothing about my brother's whereabouts nor plans, aside from the name of the trek and the name of the last town he was in. Casey's (Isaiah's travel buddy) family have done some excellent research and have discovered that Casey and Isaiah need to check in every couple of days at different points along this trekking circuit because they are not traveling with an official guide. We are trying to get a hold of the next checkpoint to see if they have checked in but have not been successful thus far. We are guessing that the majority of this trek is without internet and or phone service. At this point we are hopeful that Isaiah and Casey are okay, and it's more just a matter of them having access to phone or internet to get a hold of them.

That is the update. That is the black and white, that is what we know for sure. What I can tell you that is more than black and white is that the Lord is using this. Using this scary circumstance to grow my faith, and using this as an opportunity to grow the faith of those around me. 

--------------------------------

I was working night shift at the hospital over the weekend and was the first out of friends and family to hear about the earthquake because I was awake during what is daytime in Nepal (they are 12 hours ahead of Colorado time). I NEVER EVER check the news, but decided to hop onto CNN early Friday morning. When I saw the headline stating that an earthquake had hit Nepal, I sat stunned. 

Immediately, my gut reaction was fear. At this point, I didn't even know where my brother was in Nepal. I had no clue if he was in the capital city, near Everest, or somewhere else. I had 8 hours left in a difficult shift at the hospital with sick kids that needed my focus and attention. 

I realized Friday night at 2 in the morning that I had a choice. I had a choice of FEAR or a choice of FAITH. 

There is no feeling more helpless than being halfway across the world watching the death toll rise in a country that is currently home to one of your best friends. But that was it- I was (and am) helpless. No amount of worry, panic, or scenarios created in my mind was going to help me find my brother. So on Friday morning, mere hours after the quake hit as I sat in a hospital thousands of miles from the devastation, I chose faith. 

That night, I trusted that my God was walking with my brother- before, behind, and around him. That night I chose to believe that God knew (and knows) right where my brother and Casey are. Two days later, I am still trusting that my brother is resting in the hand of the ALMIGHTY GOD, and that's really what matters most. 

Now, lest you think, this choice  of faith has come easy, let me take you back a few years. Fear has been one of my biggest struggles. My junior year of high school, I began having nightmares of my parents and brothers dying. I remember talking to my youth leader at the time about it, and wondering how on earth I would ever not be afraid again. Would I always fear? 

The problem continued through college- I remember weeping in front of a sweet lady at a college retreat as she stood at the altar ready to pray over me. Through tears I explained how every day I was panicky with the fear my family dying. She reminded me of the sovereignty of God and that He does not want us to live in fear. Over and over I heard things that I KNEW, yet couldn't wrap my mind around enough to eliminate my fear. 

In 2013 I started my job as a pediatric nurse, and began to see horrible, tragic things on a daily basis. And interestingly enough, that is where my healing began. 

I began to see that I could choose to live in fear, or I could choose to live in faith. I could worry and fear that one day when I have children that they will be born with many disabilities, or worse, not survive past birth. I could live in fear that should I deliver a healthy child, that 8 years later they would be diagnosed with brain cancer and be given months to live. I could live in fear that my brothers, friends, or future children would one day be in a car accident, and their lives would change forever as they lived their life out as a paralytic or in a vegetative state.

Or I could choose to live in faith. I could choose to live in faith that the Lord counts my steps and walks alongside me during my days. I could choose to believe that the Lord would send his angels to protect me and my loved ones from harm and tragedy. I could choose to believe that even if tragedy befell my family, that Jesus would be carrying me, holding me, and never letting go. 

And I realized- I wanted to choose faith. But I also realized that faith will always be the harder choice. 

The choice of faith requires self discipline, prayer, and steadfastness of the mind. A choice of faith requires diligence, requires focus, and most importantly demands reliance upon the Holy Spirit and the grace of God. 

The choice of faith was and is still hard. Each time I pull up Nepal on Google and feel my heart start to beat quicker, I have to choose faith. Every time I see the death toll rise and my palms start to get sweaty, I have to choose faith. 

The most important thing I can do is pray and choose to believe. Choose to believe that God is with my brother and Casey. Choose to believe that God is holding each and every one of the beautiful Nepalese who have witnessed their mother, father, child, or brother die in the last 48 hours. I can choose to believe that in the midst of chaos and disaster and tragedy that there is Jesus and there is peace. 

I am playing my Jesus music as loud as I can, reading my Bible as much as I can, and reminding myself over and over of the promises of God. I am meeting with friends, laughing, and going about my day. Because it is in these things that I am reminded that I have a God who is looking over my brother and all those who are missing. It's not my job to worry and fret because I know that they are in the best hands possible. 

TODAY, I CHOOSE FAITH OVER FEAR. 

Today, in what do you need to choose faith over fear? I pray that you have the courage to do the hard thing- to choose faith, and to not give Satan the victory of trapping you in worry and anxiety. Choose Jesus. Choose peace. 

** APRIL 27th UPDATE: We heard from Casey's parents (who were able to message Casey this morning) that he and Isaiah are safe. We don't know much else but that they are safe in the mountains. Thank you for your prayers!** 

Ash Wednesday: Broken & Grateful

I grew up in a family that observed Lent and viewed it as a very important season of the year. Though I've been taking part in Lent my whole life, it hasn't been until the past couple of years that I've really started to understand what the season is really all about. 

Lent is the (approximate) six week season that begins on Ash Wednesday and ends on Easter Sunday. Tradition has it that it is a time to reflect and prepare for the the risen Jesus. The main components have been prayer, fasting, repentance, and acts of sacrifice. All acts that are intended to draw us out of ourselves and point us to Christ. 

Lent has become more widespread in many Christian circles, and dare I say it has almost become "trendy". I am so thankful that more people are becoming aware of Lent because I think it is a beautiful season that can teach us so much. But in the trendiness that has come with its' recent popularity, I think a lot of the meaning behind Lenten traditions has been lost. I would like to revisit a couple of those traditions by starting with an examination of Ash Wednesday.  

Ash Wednesday is the first day of Lent, and if you were to attend a traditional Ash Wednesday service, a priest or pastor would spread ashes in the shape of a cross on your forehead while saying the words "Remember that you are dust and to dust you shall return." Certain Christian circles have criticized this tradition saying that we shouldn't wallow in our sinful nature; that we should instead focus on thanking God for his mercy and redemption. Critics argue that by focusing on the fact that we are dust, we are focusing too much on ourselves and not enough on Christ. I think this is a misconception that needs to be addressed.

-----------------------

When they spread ashes on my forehead this past Ash Wednesday and repeated those words "remember that you are dust and to dust you shall return", I realized just how uncomfortable I was with that phrase. We don't like to be told that we are simply made of dust and will one day return to dust. We like to be told that we matter, that we are important, that we are filled with purpose. We are all of those things. But we are none of those things without Christ. Without Christ, we are dust; we are nothing; we can accomplish nothing. The raises we get, the awards we receive, the big house we own, and the Twitter followers we have will not ultimately matter. We all know this, but how many of us know this. 

It's an uncomfortable feeling. Believe me, I know. 

The cross emblazoned on my forehead reminded me that I am a sinner, a sinner that has deeply grieved God. Honestly, sometimes I think we forget this. We know we are sinners, but we often think about it flippantly "I'm a sinner God, but thanks for saving me!" By sitting with ash on my forehead and the thought that I am only dust, I realized just how much of a sinner I was. I came to understand that many of my thoughts, actions, and intentions deeply grieve the heart of my God.

My realization of my deeply sinful nature brought me to a place of  genuine repentance. 

I think it's hard to be truly repentant if you don't really recognize the extent or gravity of your sin.  I think it's hard to be truly repentant if you're apologizing to God while simultaneously thinking "well at least I don't do such and such". Often I don't think I realize the gravity of my own sin, because I am rationalizing it by thinking, "well at least I don't do that". It doesn't work that way. Sin is sin, and all breaks the heart of God whether it's gossiping about our friend or cheating on our spouse. But as I sat in the dimly lit church confessing my sins, I realized I wasn't to sit here here with ash on my forehead and wallow in pity or shame. Literally speaking, I couldn't sit and wallow because it was my turn to walk up and receive Communion. And as I stood up, it hit me. I finally understood. 

Here I was, stained with ash, marked as a grieved sinner, about to walk up and be welcomed into the presence of Almighty God. He knows the darkest places of my soul, yet still offers a feast of love, mercy, and grace. He sees the ash on my forehead, He sees my sin, yet He longs to wrap me in His arms and wash me clean.

Sitting with the feeling of nothingness allowed me to see that, yes, I am nothing but God is everything. God has been, is, and always will be everything. My ashen forehead had given me a glimpse of the extent of my sin, but Communion showed that the God of everything knows me, wants me, and cherishes me, despite the ashes on my forehead. What a gift! To know that the God of everything wants you... this understanding led me to a place of deep and genuine praise that I have never been before. 

Tears slipped down my face as I watched churchgoer after churchgoer marked by ash walk up and receive Communion. It was the most beautiful picture of redemption I have ever witnessed. Here we are- a people marked with sin, mistakes, and regret. And here is a God loves us SO much that He invites us over and over again to come into His presence so that He can wash us clean.

You may have heard this all before. It's easy to read words on a page and not let them touch your heart. But I encourage you to spend some time meditating on this today. We need not remember our sin to feel a sense of shame; instead, we remember our sin to lead us to gratitude for what God has done and who He is. 

Struggling with the fact that I am only dust, makes me all the more grateful for my Savior. My Savior who welcomes his broken daughter with open arms and puts her back together again and again and again. I choose not to wallow in my brokenness, but rather let the realization of my brokenness lead me to a place of gratitude and thanksgiving. I truly believe that we cannot effectively reach a place of deep gratitude without first recognizing the depravity of our own souls. 

"If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost, what will he do? Won't he leave the ninety nine others in the wilderness and search for the one that is lost until he finds it?" - Luke 15:4

You are that lost sheep. I am that lost sheep. But the Man went and searched for us, found us, and now we are part of the ninety nine. We were lost, but now we are found. The Good Shepherd has brought us, the wayward sinful sheep, home. And for that we are to praise His holy name.

What does Ash Wednesday mean to you? Did you grow up observing Lent? 

{Linking up with Tuesday Talk over at Sweet Little Ones Blog and Weeks End over at Oak + Oats}